The 2 words that can change lives

I recently got a wave of positive feedback and realised that the key to meaningful work might be simpler than we think.

I’ve been lucky enough to immerse in some truly good vibes lately.

The other day, one of my coaching clients messaged me to thank me for the work we’ve done together. Here’s a screenshot of the message, with their permission:

Then another day, a friend of mine (and an amazing t-shirt illustrator) shared one of my newsletters on their Instagram and thanked me for the insight. 

On another day, a fellow coach left a comment on my LinkedIn that made me feel warm and fuzzy inside:

As a self-employed person, I get all my feedback from clients or audience members. So these messages, kudos, and a few words of gratitude are extremely important to me. They make me feel like the work I do matters. They help me stay on my path even when it gets hard sometimes. They also make me grateful to have met and connected with such generous people. 

In other words, these small expressions of gratitude are key to my sense of purpose regarding my work. It’s not just about getting positive feedback but also giving it.

Over the years, I’ve developed a practice of starting and ending my day with gratitude. Taking notice of every tasty cup of coffee, kind soul I meet, deep conversation, and small bits of process I’ve made is key to my wellbeing as a self-employed person. I also try my best to thank people for their kind acts and amazing personalities to make sure the good goes around. 

So lately, I’ve started to ask: 

• What if finding a sense of meaning is actually as simple as saying and hearing the words “Thank you, you’re doing a great job”? 

• What if what we’re looking for is not a big, world-saving purpose, but to be seen and heard? 

• And what if we can actually increase our sense of meaning and purpose just by expressing our gratitude?

Let’s first ask, are we doing gratitude right?

Gratitude is one of the few spiritual practices that scientists and gurus agree on.

Buddhism practitioners believe contentment is important for a happy life and that we should always be connected to our sense of kindness and compassion. 

Positive psychologists think gratitude increases positive mood and makes us more satisfied with our lives. 

Brain researchers think gratitude enhances mood-boosters serotonin and dopamine, can create new neural pathways in the brain and improve the quality of our sleep. 

But, research shows, that people are better at contemplating gratitude than expressing it. What researchers have coined as the Gratitude Gap suggests that only a fraction of gratitude is communicated and shared with others. An online survey made in the United States for the John Templeton Foundation studied American people’s perceptions and behaviours around gratitude. The study made the following observations: 

• 90% of the respondents said they are grateful for their immediate family, but only 49% regularly expressed gratitude to their parents and 76% to their children.

• 87% of the respondents described themselves as grateful for their closest friends, but significantly less (54%) expressed their thanks or gratitude more than once a week.

If we move this conversation into working life, the numbers drop significantly.

According to the Greater Good Science Center at Berkeley University, only 10% of people say ‘thank you’ to their colleagues on a daily basis. Yet, these thank you’s are one of the simplest and best ways to make people feel appreciated at work. According to a survey by the consulting company Deloitte, 85% of employees prefer verbal or written thank yous over celebrations and gifts as a recognition for their daily accomplishments. According to another survey by Glassdoor, 81% of people are motivated to work harder if their boss shows them appreciation for their work. 

Why aren’t we spreading thank yous like confetti?

Expressing gratitude makes both the giver and receiver experience positive emotions and a simple ‘thank you’ doesn’t cost a thing. So why are we holding back on the appreciation?

Psychologists Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley from the University of Chicago conducted several experiments to study people and their beliefs about giving and receiving gratitude. They made two key findings about why people skimp on the thanks. The first is what they call egocentrism, meaning that humans tend to think that what is obvious to them must be obvious to other people. So, if I feel grateful for something, I might expect the other person to already know this even without me saying it. 

The second hindering factor was our tendency to evaluate our behaviour according to competence instead of intention. This means we might get tangled up on how we express gratitude and never get down to actually expressing it. In reality, the recipients are much more interested in the warmth and positive intent of our actions than our competence.

So to conclude, the research suggests that gratitude expressers significantly underestimated how surprised recipients would be about why expressers were grateful. They also overestimated how awkward recipients would feel about the gratitude expressions, and underestimated how positive the recipients would feel. 

Organisational psychologist and bestselling author Adam Grant has suggested that expressing gratitude might be difficult for us because it involves showing our vulnerability. When we thank someone for helping us, we admit that we needed the help. Because we’re afraid of appearing weak, we might hold back on showing our appreciation. 

Then there are the cultural traditions and beliefs we have inherited. In my Finnish culture of origin, thank yous and compliments are often subdued because there’s a general belief that people become complacent if they receive too much praise. As such, many have adopted a working culture where silence is the best positive feedback you can get. Silence means that at least you haven’t done anything wrong. 

Sounds pretty bleak, right?

Many of us might also be afraid that if we praise another, especially publicly, it diminishes our own value. For example, an artist might refrain from complementing another artist’s work because they might feel like there’s an ongoing comparison between them.

Most often, these comparisons exist merely in our own heads.

This logic is based on a scarcity mindset, where life is a constant battle for resources, and if one person wins, another must lose. 

Going against this ideology means we need to adopt instead an abundance mindset, where more is more – not less.

The abundance mindset suggests that there will always be more opportunities, more goodness, and more happiness available to us, and life is not a competition. In fact, by spreading our joy and gratitude, we create more of it. 

Go deeper 👉 The theory of the abundance and scarcity mindset can be traced back to author Stephen Covey and his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Also, Deepak Chopra has done extensive work on the magical power of abundance thinking, and I recommend trying his free 21-day meditation series, it once helped me through a very difficult time. 

End the spring season on a high – join the thank you challenge

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, a thank you a day might save us from the never-ending existential question of “Are my actions meaningful?” 

Instead of waiting for some great purpose to arrive, create it by seeing the meaning in the small actions you take every day. And very importantly, see the meaning in the actions of others and let them know.

So I’ll challenge you to express your gratitude to someone every day for the next week and see how it feels. If it’s great, continue for another week. And then another. See how long you can go without stopping.

Let me know how it goes.

Thank you for your presence and attention. 

And remember, hope is not given to us but created by us.

With warmest regards, 
Aurora