I've been busy having naps

I've been quiet. Here's what's been going on.

You may or may not have noticed, but I’ve been taking a break from publishing this letter.

This is not an announcement to say I’m back. It’s more like a hello from the other side, from the middle of the hiatus, because I feel like this space has given me thoughts that deserve to be spoken out loud before I move past them.

If you’ve been reading my posts before the hiatus, you’ll know that my life has been in the middle of a seismic shift – moving countries and embracing a new identity as a full-time stay-at-home parent, and building a support network from scratch.

Though I feel like I haven’t experienced any real age crisis since turning 40, this April the person staring back at me in the mirror looked tired, grey and saggy.

Like any self-respecting middle-aged woman, I walked into my local drugstore and stocked my cosmetics department with nourishing oils and a collagen booster, and got back into a gua sha face massage routine after forgetting I had one for about three years.

But more importantly, I decided to stop the things that took away from dedicated rest and rejuvenation. That meant that the baby naps I was spending on my laptop writing this letter needed to also stop, at least for a while, for me to figure out whether they were giving me as much as I was giving them.

I also stopped reading any kind of articles related to growing my business (something I’ve been a keen subscriber to for years). Basically, I stopped hanging out with my professional self outside of the little client work I’ve sold this year.

I wanted to see what would happen if I had fewer obligations and more spaciousness.

One thing that happened was that I started picking up “analogue behaviours”. I started buying printed newspapers and sitting with them at breakfast. I turned the radio on in the mornings. I started gardening. I watched TV at noon. I also got hooked on a show called Interior Design Masters, with the consequence of now thinking about buying a sewing machine and learning to upholster furniture. I took naps. I attended baby groups to make friends with other stay-at-home mums. I attended a “let’s make our town better” meetup. I found my way back to my yoga practice. And, the only social media I’ve engaged with is Facebook Marketplace.

This time has given me a real opportunity to do some internal work. To figure out who I want to be in this season of life. And I have a feeling I’m making some new breakthroughs in terms of personal development. And that in itself is somehow uplifting.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve also felt bored and directionless at times. Having loads of time to think but no personal project to focus on is kind of a nightmare for someone like me who is constantly looking for new mental stimulation. As good as resting has been for my body and mind, it hasn’t filled the need for creative expression and a sense of accomplishment.

I have been writing in the background. Singular thoughts, a few sentences or stream-of-consciousness paragraphs in my Notes memo. But keeping those thoughts to myself has somehow left me feeling a bit empty.

So, I’ve started asking myself: what’s the value of outward-facing writing in my life? Do my thoughts start to matter only when I share them publicly?

I feel like I don’t have any definite answers to these questions yet but the other morning I did have one very telling feeling.

I was having my morning coffee, reading a column in the Observer. I can’t even remember what the column was really about but I noticed how good it made me feel to read a well-written piece of writing. I admired the writer’s choice of words, punctuation and honesty. It reminded me of how much I love writing and how much I miss it after being away from my routine for a while. It also rekindled my ambition: I realised I do want to still evolve as a writer, develop my craft, go further and examine my existence through writing.

It turns out, I can remove writing from my life but I can’t remove the writer who lives inside of me.

I’ll continue my hiatus over the summer holidays. I’ll keep you posted once I know what the future of my so-called verbal existence is going to look like.

Until then, take care.

With kindness,
Aurora

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