What to do when you don’t know who or what you are?

An identity crisis is part of everyday life for anyone living a little outside the box.

Some people know exactly what they want and who they are. They’ve always had the same interests, friends, style, and political views. They give a clear no or yes to questions like “Do you like red wine?” or “Would you travel to Micronesia for a holiday?” They have clearly defined personalities.

Then there’s us—the less clearly defined ones. As kids, we sampled every hobby. At school, we were knowledge omnivores. We couldn’t really decide what to study, so instead, we took gap years and travelled, did odd jobs, and explored multiple different hairstyles, whether they suited us or not. 

Society tells us we should get our sh*t together. And we’re left wondering where even to begin. 

But what if we 'lost souls' are actually glorious Swiss Army knives? We're not confused; we're adaptable. Our big questions aren't a problem; they're what the world needs. While others are fixed on doing one thing, we're endlessly evolving. 

Here are 5 bullet points to help you embrace the search instead of giving yourself a hard time about it. 

#1 Your existential crisis is actually your ticket to growth. 

The questions that keep you up at night might be your speedway to personal growth. In fact, some psychologists suggest that searching for meaning is really what life is all about. They mean that you’re living. You’re obviously someone who is curious and won’t settle for just anything. You're demonstrating a 'growth mindset' – a concept to describe people who view life as a collection of possibilities rather than fixed traits. This curiosity and complexity also makes you harder to replace (read this post by Tim Denning for more). So next time you're freaking out about not having it all figured out, remember: You're not confused, you're curious. You're not lost, you're exploring.

Ask yourself: How is my ‘confusion’ helping me grow? 

#2 Forget about the past and the future.

‘Who am I?’ is a question that can leave us energetically paralysed. We often seek an answer that will somehow explain our past, present and future. But the past and the future are irrelevant. Right now, you might have a full-time job but you’d rather spend your time in acting classes because it makes you feel alive. You might be single, live in a small apartment and grow vegetables on your balcony. In two years' time, you might have left your job, travelled the world doing film production, live in a big house with multiple partners, have a farm in the backyard and a baby on the way. Life is unpredictable, so there’s no point in guessing. Focus on who you are right here, right now.  

Ask yourself: What do I value and appreciate in my life right now? What do I enjoy or dislike? What would I like to see growing? 

#3 Find themes instead of titles. 

If you’re a creative, generalist or someone with multiple passions, your identity struggles might have something to do with the fact that you want to paint, do a podcast, become a CEO, set up a jewellery business and save the world’s oceans. I mean, who wouldn’t? These seemingly random pursuits might not fit into a single job title but their common nominator is you. So don’t get stuck on your skillset but focus on the whys behind your multiple pursuits. Just because other people might have stiff and boring job titles such as Senior Procurement Specialist (sorry if that’s you, keep doing your amazing job procuring the world!), doesn’t mean you have to. In the end, no one gives a flying poop about your title. Your best business card is your track record. 

Ask yourself: What is interesting to you about the ideas you have? Why are you drawn to them? How might they be connected to one another?

#4 Just do it.

It’s easy to think we shouldn’t start moving before we know where we’re going. I’ve noticed the opposite is true. See, thinking is a non-action and can bring us to a low, even depressed state. Action, on the other hand, can be messy like a ménage à trois gone wrong but it also creates energy. And energy creates new thoughts. For example, setting up a jewellery business sounds like fun but spending hours picking materials, arranging logistics and speaking to resellers can be a different story. So don’t get stuck finessing your ideas, start doing something instead. (Unless your idea is to build a rocket to Mars –then maybe plan a little.) Remember, it doesn’t have to be a forever project or your ‘one and only thing’. In the worst-case scenario, you spent six months doing something you were interested in and learned a lot. 

Ask yourself: How could I look for answers through action? 

#5 Ring a friend.

Even though other people don’t get to define who you are, they can be great mirrors and can help you communicate your messy but marvellous personality to others. 

1. Ring a good friend and ask them why they’ve chosen to hang out with you for all these years. 

2. Email a past colleague and ask what they thought was fun about working with you. Don’t just look for praise but for differentiators. Was there something you suggested that initially made them scratch their heads but later made them think you’re a genius? 

This isn't just about fishing for compliments (though, let’s be real, we all love an ego boost). It's about spotting the patterns in your behaviour that you might be blind to. Maybe you'll discover you're the Macgyver of problem-solving or the Oprah of giving advice.

Ask yourself: Whose feedback would be valuable to me? 

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Remember, life has no rules. The so-called rules we follow were made up by some random people who didn’t know what they were doing. The faster you stop following some imaginary recipe for success, the more free you’ll be to express the wonderful creature that you are and succeed on your terms. 

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Thank you for your time and presence. 

And remember, hope is not given to us but created within and by us. So be unapologetically you, even if you don’t quite know what that is. Lean into what feels good right now and you’ll figure it out.

With the warmest wishes,
Aurora